The Voluptuous, Anachronistic Horror of Kellyanne Conway

Virtually unknown to the masses until appearing on “The Evil Sorcerer’s Apprentice”, Donald Trump’s third reboot of “The Apprentice” franchise and inexplicably credited with that show becoming a “sleeper hit”. Even with amaturish production values and  a cast of the biggest losers from the previous 30 seasons of Reality recreating the challenges from their original appearances in which gross incompetence, an inability to reason disastrously paired with, not one, but several monolithic belief systems, and a sense of entitlement that allows them to do grievous wrong to their housemates, such as enslave them, poison them, force oppressive orthodoxies and dogma on them, swindle them with investment schemes, all for profit, just to name a few had gotten them all eliminated and voted out, but certain people started watching. Only on this show they breezed through their challenges with suspect ease while the judges  ignored obvious cheating  (proof of the true nature of Reality: it’s scripted and as long as someone is paying billionaire bucks for their spot in the BIG BROTHER House they get final script approval). Scripted or not the show’s ratings are abysmal, except for with thair narrowly targeted demographic. The idiotic ludites in the cast make Jessica “Chicken of the Sea Isn’t Chicken” Simpson seem more a polymath than kin to Homer Simpson, so it goes without saying that some of the billions that got them cast likely ended up with someone at the Nielson Co., because the numbers just add up to that show gettin cancelled, but a four year run?

  There is something different about Kellyanne: something very ancient and archetypal but updated for the 20th Century, though not until well into the 21st: a failed design that looked really good on paper and coming off the production line, being revisited, tweaked, and labled “Heritage Style” after a sufficient time has passed that so few are still alive that remember its first iteration and all those people killed by the material flaws that resulted in extremely low tolerance  for human interaction. She is a postmodern woman: a Gladys Cravitz type on a dosage of “Valiums and DietCokes” just below the threshold that would transform her into a useless but infinitely more palatable Mrs.Roper type. She has mythical attributes that portend a classical but tragic end to the season; possibly the franchise; maybe Reality itself as she channels both Cassandra and Pandora, releasing every manner of evil into the world and in her scatterbrained way letting everyone know what she is doing, but unfortunately, the Abner Cravitzes that have the actual power to stop this tragedy are completely exhausted from the tyranny of Political Correctness (they never got taxed when it was called Common Courtesy) and tired of having to treat all the different colorful types who, until recently, had the good sense to stay below the radar and in their places, so now, yes indeed, all that these Abner Cravitzes want is to watch Fox News while napping on the couch and high above their Confederate flags snap  and gnash at the Legacy of Lincoln. Besides that, they’ve heard her craziness before and don’t believe her nor do they care. As she wanders about presenting her hysterically deluded spin, Steve Bannon in a brilliant crossover use of yet another classic character from ancient lore, wanders about portraying Otis Campbell while bringing to fruition an evil plot by Endora that will surely put those mere mortals in their place, once Otis gets access to those Nuclear Codes. Same batty time. Same batty place. Stay tuned.


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