May 23, 2015 Texarcana, Arkansas By Taffy Trotski Conservative lawmaker and Teaparty favorite, Ted Cruz, 44, is soon to wed former Executive Director of The Family Research Council and eldest scion of TVs 19 Kids and Counting (TLC cancelled) Josh Duggar, 27, in what would appear to be the surprise, if not outright shocking, May/December gay wedding of the year. It’s not, however, what you might think. “No, we’re not gay, but yes we are getting gay married!” Cruz said at a press conference announcing their nuptials. He went on to clarify “When I read about the Taliban and ISIS having child brides as young as nine years of age all I could think is the Obama Administration has allowed American Exceptionalism to fall by the wayside in one more instance, and I knew I had to do something. Then I read about my good friend Josh and his troubles and it came to me in a flash: Conservatives were dragged, kicking and screaming into the 20th and 21st centuries, we can do the same for the Liberals, but drag them into the 23rd century that they are creating now. I went to Josh’s side and proposed to him that we have the first gay marriage with plural child brides! Of course he said yes. Besides, Mike Huckabee even says what we’re about to do is ‘inexcusable’ but not ‘unforgivable’” Cruz added “We’re hoping for 20 kids, maybe more!”
The private ceremony will be held on June 27th, known as Shirley Jackson Lottery Day, in a nod toward American Exceptionalism, at an undisclosed location in Cruz’s native Canada in order to bestow tacit Canadian Citizenship on Duggar to shield him from harsh sentences and prison treatment he might receive in the US should any of his accusers be successful in bringing criminal charges against him.